An Open Letter to Pricks Who Wear Retarded Kanye West Style Glasses

Dear Pricks Who Wear Retarded Kanye West Style Glasses,

Well, now it’s become clear that you know who I am, and are acutely aware of my planet sized hatred of all of you.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know these glasses were inspired by that wonky jawed egotistical talent vacuum when I first saw them, but that does go quite a way to explain some of what the actual fuck is wrong with you people. George Bush doesn’t care about black people? What you mean is people with an ounce of intelligence don’t give an AIDS fuck about Kanye West who is coincidentally black. I pretty much hate all people because Kanye West is one, as are all you little fuckbags who wear his arse specs. Don’t ever say I discriminate.

In fact, don’t ever say anything.

I mean, there are enough taboos for you to break with regular sunglasses, do you really need the extra dickness? What was wrong with just wearing your sunglasses indoors? Or at night? I’m fairly sure that before these twat-slats were released to general sale you were probably the guy we all looked at and hoped you would walk into something. Let’s be honest, in this country there’s probably only 30 odd days total that you even need sunglasses. I’m sure this fact makes the average cost per hour quite high compared to international sunglass wearers, but still, get your extra wear during the day. Outside. With real sunglasses. Or at least well away from me.

I bet you’re that guy who wears sunglasses on the tube. I mean, what THE FUCK is that about? You cruising for bitches on the tube? Hows that working out for you? How have you not learned yet that NOBODY TALKS ON THE TUBE. In a group of nobody talking to nobody, how likely is it that anybody is going to talk to the guy wearing sunglasses on the motherfucking tube?

Hell, I even saw a black dude wearing these glasses the other day. Even he couldn’t pull them off. Even a black dude looked like a fucktard wearing these things. You don’t stand a chance. You know what’s even worse? He was wearing pink ones.

I think we can tell a lot from your choice of face-wear. Like the star of David in Nazi Germany only you idiots choose to wear this. We can tell you’re bad at science, we can see that socially you’re about as useful as a bag of broken hammers and you’re clearly racist as you’re trying to look as good as black people. We can deduce from this that you’re likely to end up fucking skanks in the toilets at the job center so they can get more benefits by having more children they can neglect to the point that 20 years down the line they’ll probably end up wearing the same fucking glasses you’re wearing now, mouthing off in the street to people, claiming they could take 3 of us in a fight but actually struggling with one at a time.

Here’s an idea, next time its sunny why dont you test the effects of your fantastic glasses by staring at the sun through a magnifying glass, maybe that’ll burn some sense into your retinas so you can realise that your glasses look about as good as my face whenever the media mentions Jade Fucking Goody.

Next time, I’ll rip your fucking head off.

Chris

An Open Letter to Alfie Patten, 13 Year Old Dad

Dear Alfie Patten, 13 Year Old Dad,

We’ve all made mistakes, it must be said. At 13, my biggest mistake was letting my dad catch me reading FHM. Yours appears to have been letting the whole country catch you fucking a troll.

Its 11 years since I was 13, I guess that probably makes me a couple of years older than your mum. In that time I’ve become more aware that I’m quite out of touch with people your age. To be fair, your predicament now makes me quite grateful for that fact. If young people are into having sex with hogs that have had their faces beaten in with a shovel, maybe I should go and get my pipe and slippers.

But I digress, you’ve probably had enough shit off the other kids at kindergarten about her hideous face. In a few years you’ll look back at this and laugh. Probably at the park with a bottle of cider in one hand and some mad dog 20/20 in the other. Maybe your kid will hit puberty first and get served in the off license and you can laugh together whilst you give some 8 year old girl the Eiffel Tower [See 2]. Bonus. Remember that time that kid said he fucked your mum? Then he got arrested cos your mum was only 10? You’ll laugh at it like you laughed at that.

My real issue is not with what hideous filth you decide to put on your cock, its with the shit you put on your back. I saw this picture of you today

The offending article

If it’s not immediately apparent what’s wrong with this photo, let me transcribe the text from your back.

Alfie Patten
‘I’m The Daddy”
if I’m not
“Fuck You All
I’ll still be there”

Was the printing shop having a discount on punctuation? Yes, fucktard, I know its a long word. It means things like ” and ‘ which you seem to have raped needlessly on your nice little jumper there. What the fuck possessed you to put a single apostrophe before I’m? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Were you trying to write “I’m” the daddy, somehow insinuating that you’re actually not “the” aforementioned “daddy”? Or were you attempting to go for “I’m the daddy” and directly quote someone?

Whats with the bit further down? “F**K you all, I’ll still be there”? Is that a quote? Were you quoting that time your best mate from school stole your fun size mars bar and you told him he couldn’t come to your party and he said “Fuck you all, I’ll still be there”? Whats with the self censorship anyway? I mean, have I got you wrong and you’re actually intelligent enough to understand the obscene publications act and know that you could get in trouble for wearing the F word so you decided to censor it? Nah, I still think you’re stupid. After all, you fucked the visual equivalent of Pavarotti’s corpse in what I’d imagine is his current state of decomposition.

I understand by now all this text will have likely bored you literally to tears, so here’s something that might cheer you up.

Kids still like slides right?

Yours Sincerely (that’s how you write ‘bye’ in a letter)

Chris

PS. Your bird is a munter.

An open letter to girls in strech hummers

Dear Girls in Strech Hummers (scummers),

I'm sure it's very exciting for you, really, I do understand. After all, a Stretch Hummer is no cheap commodity. I mean, between all 25 of you screaming, obnoxious, drunk 13 year old whores it must have cost a whole week's worth of sucking off binmen. The thing is, for the rest of us it's not that interesting any more.

Sure, the first time we saw one maybe we were the one from the group that said 'wow, a stretch hummer' whilst the rest of our friends groaned because they'd already seen them a whole load of times. But that was about 15 years ago, things have changed now. Statistically, there are more people in stretch hummers at any one time than in the whole of Switzerland.

So yes, by all means get yourself excited, after all it's a big step up from the last time you were in a car, when you got arrested for simultaneously shoplifting, mugging a granny, accusing someone of rape and prostitution all in Boots that time. Yesterday. And last week. But can I ask that you try and keep your excitement and tits inside the car at all times.

It'll take a lot to convince me your parents didn't just hire this stretch hummer to take you all away, like a massive shiny gas guzzling Pied Piper only you're not the children, you're the rats and they'll be sure to pay him this time or he'll take the things they really love, their benefits cheques and the massive TVs those cheques pay for that they watch so they can ignore the fact that their daughters are actual scum and approximately 45% made of heroin and semen.

This problem isnt just limited to 12 year old grandmothers on prom night, its almost as bad as the Saturday night hen parties. But the fascination shifts slightly from stretch hummers to 'party' fire engines. I might be wrong here, but I thought women were into firemen? Not so much fire engines? I know there's been some discussion on tv lately of people's attractions to vehicles, but is this more of an epidemic than just one or two mental people? Or do these bints think that actual firemen drive the 'party' fire engine?

Actual fireman's decision making process:
Hmmm, what to do today, save peoples lives and be a hero and all that, then probably pull a hot girl cos women seem to love firemen, or get basically molested by a bunch of old slags on a hen party that look like their faces were beaten in by a cricket bat then someone poured tequila in the hole where their mouth used to be until they cant speak anymore, instead just scream and flash their tits at anyone who doesn't want to see as some form of prehistoric communication which is appropriate because they'd probably have better luck trying to fuck a tyrannosaurus, but only if it was fucking dead.

Is this fucking long enough to be entertaining yet? I hope so

Yours sincerely

Chris