Dear Northern Tourists on the Tube,
It was nice meeting you yesterday on the tube. Now becuase this is text you can't here the sarcasm in my voice, so I'll explain that it wasn't nice, it was the second worst experience in my entire life. It should please you to know that my 5 minute encounter with you was marginally better than my experience with appendicitis where I vomited for 12 hours straight and almost died.
From what I was able to decode from your retarded voice, you were in London for the football, so I'm guessing you were probably drunk. Perhaps blind drunk, which would explain how you failed to notice that I had massive yellow headphones on and still tried to talk to me. This theory is destroyed, however, by the fact that the reason you wanted to talk to me was to discuss the contents of the newspaper I was reading.
Most people on any form of transport would realise that someone with headphones on reading a newspaper might not be in the mood to chat. Furthermore, someone reading a paper is not generally waiting for you to ask them whats in the paper, and then take it off them to read about the football whilst still trying to talk to them. Here's some pointers for you:
Just because I am male, does not make me a football obessive.
Just because I am on a train that stops in Tottenham does not make me a Tottenham fan
Just because a paper is free doesn't mean you can have it when I'm reading it
Just because I'm a decent person doesn't mean I don't want to rip your skull out and beat your gormless, drooling, northern friends into a vegetative state so they're forced to eat turkey twizzlers and mushy peas through a straw and can only talk in even more of a slur than your stupid voice already is.
You know the saying 'When in Rome'? It doesn't end with 'do whatever the fuck you oddballs from up north do', it ends' sit down and shut the fuck up until you get to wherever the fuck it is you're going you strange little man and if you want a newspaper either pick one up from one of the trillions of people throwing them at your face outside the station or wait five minutes and I'm sure someone reading a fucking paper will be getting off the train and will leave a paper behind you packet of pricks.'
I hate you.
Chris
