Dear Alfie Patten, 13 Year Old Dad,
We’ve all made mistakes, it must be said. At 13, my biggest mistake was letting my dad catch me reading FHM. Yours appears to have been letting the whole country catch you fucking a troll.
Its 11 years since I was 13, I guess that probably makes me a couple of years older than your mum. In that time I’ve become more aware that I’m quite out of touch with people your age. To be fair, your predicament now makes me quite grateful for that fact. If young people are into having sex with hogs that have had their faces beaten in with a shovel, maybe I should go and get my pipe and slippers.
But I digress, you’ve probably had enough shit off the other kids at kindergarten about her hideous face. In a few years you’ll look back at this and laugh. Probably at the park with a bottle of cider in one hand and some mad dog 20/20 in the other. Maybe your kid will hit puberty first and get served in the off license and you can laugh together whilst you give some 8 year old girl the Eiffel Tower [See 2]. Bonus. Remember that time that kid said he fucked your mum? Then he got arrested cos your mum was only 10? You’ll laugh at it like you laughed at that.
My real issue is not with what hideous filth you decide to put on your cock, its with the shit you put on your back. I saw this picture of you today
The offending article
If it’s not immediately apparent what’s wrong with this photo, let me transcribe the text from your back.
Alfie Patten
‘I’m The Daddy”
if I’m not
“Fuck You All
I’ll still be there”
Was the printing shop having a discount on punctuation? Yes, fucktard, I know its a long word. It means things like ” and ‘ which you seem to have raped needlessly on your nice little jumper there. What the fuck possessed you to put a single apostrophe before I’m? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Were you trying to write “I’m” the daddy, somehow insinuating that you’re actually not “the” aforementioned “daddy”? Or were you attempting to go for “I’m the daddy” and directly quote someone?
Whats with the bit further down? “F**K you all, I’ll still be there”? Is that a quote? Were you quoting that time your best mate from school stole your fun size mars bar and you told him he couldn’t come to your party and he said “Fuck you all, I’ll still be there”? Whats with the self censorship anyway? I mean, have I got you wrong and you’re actually intelligent enough to understand the obscene publications act and know that you could get in trouble for wearing the F word so you decided to censor it? Nah, I still think you’re stupid. After all, you fucked the visual equivalent of Pavarotti’s corpse in what I’d imagine is his current state of decomposition.
I understand by now all this text will have likely bored you literally to tears, so here’s something that might cheer you up.
Kids still like slides right?
Yours Sincerely (that’s how you write ‘bye’ in a letter)
Chris
PS. Your bird is a munter.
